Understanding and Dealing With the Despair

Despair: Loss of hope; hopelessness (courtesy dictionary.com)

Unfortunately, despair is a very common symptom for those with inflammatory arthritis. As the disease continues to progress, hope begins to fade away. As time goes by, people with this disease can lose all hope, not just of conquering the disease, but returning to their normal lives. This is exceptionally unfortunate for those who are highly physically active because they will fight the disease, and when they continue to worsen, despite their best efforts, the despair hits hard.

Let me say this now, whether you are fighting or if you have already given up--This is your life. Even though the road to recovery is impossibly long, if you continue to fight, you can take your life back. The first thing to do, is to recognize the despair and eliminate it.

The first sign of despair is the gut wrenching, punch you in the face realization that you can't do things that you once could. Here is a good example.

Before I had SIA (Systemic Inflammatory Arthritis), I used to run up the stairs, 3-5 stairs at a time. When I started to feel the pain, I was unable to run up the stairs, but I could still walk up the stairs. This was fine. However, the punch you in the face moment that I had was when I had to start walking up and down staircases sideways, one step at a time. The first time that I did this I didn't even realize it until I was halfway up the staircase. That was when I began to realize and accept that my life really had changed. This was my first step into despair, but not my last.

After this gut wrenching, punch you in the face, your lover cheated on you and all your left shoes went missing feeling, it's easy to continue falling into despair. The second step of despair, is when you start missing out on activities because you are physically incapable to participate. Using my previous example, this is going from having to go sideways down the staircase to, 'I hope there isn't a fire or else I'm in real trouble.'

The steps into despair all vary due to varying symptoms and severity, but they all eventually lead to complete hopelessness. When this happens, life isn't just a daily struggle, but living is a pain. Like oxygen for our lungs, hope is the air to our souls. Without hope, our will to live dies. Suicide can become a daily consideration when this happens. This happened to me.

When I fell into complete despair, I considered suicide at least once per day and even attempted suicide a few times. Without the use of hydrocodone, I experienced suicidal pain, but even with the hydrocodone the pain was quite severe. Beyond the physical pain, the pain of despair was crippling. I constantly wondered if I could walk again or even lie down without pain. I thought in the long term and wondered, 'If this continues, will I ever find my soulmate? Will I be able to follow my dreams? Will I ever be able to live my life again?' Etc... When I was at my worst, I would attempt suicide.

The method was simple. Take 3 7.5-500 mg hydrocodone, and right before I fall asleep, take five more. That way, when I stop breathing, I'm already asleep and I feel no pain. Fortunately, this didn't work. It would have if I took more, but I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to escape from the pain. It may be selfish, but when you can't even escape the pain while sleeping, death is a viable option. Suicide is also the wrong option.

Suicide is a permanent solution--to a temporary problem. If you are considering suicide, seek help immediately. Life does go on, and in time, things will get better.

So, if you're reading this because somebody you know has the disease, beware, for they may have fallen into despair. They need you.

So, How Does One Deal With Despair?

Step 1: Family and Friends

Your family and friends can have a profound impact on you and how you experience this disease. Find which friends you can rely on for support and who will be there for you--this is crucial.

Step 2: Simplify Your Life

If you can, eliminate any and all extra things that cause you stress. If you are in school, take a semester off so you can adapt to the disease. If you are in work, ask for time off. You may have benefits for this kind of thing. I know that taking time off can be hard, but the effects of not taking time off can really damage your life. Another personal example: When I was hit with SIA, I was halfway through my semester. I tried to endure it and finish the semester, but I was unable to adapt. I failed most of my classes (still working on a medical withdrawal).

Simplify your life--you don't need anymore stress.

Step 3: Find Your Goals

It's very easy to fall into despair if your goals are shortsighted and small. Meditate on this and find a goal that will motivate you for years. Find something to keep you going!

Step 4: Fight for Your Life

This disease can destroy your life. Do not allow this to happen. Talk to your doctor about options, continue the blood tests, go to multiple doctors for more ideas, go to physical therapy, DO NOT STOP MOVING! Do everything you can to fight this disease. It takes a lot of time and effort, so it's better to start now. Also, DO NOT STOP MOVING as sitting still causes damage.

Step 5: Religion

Let me make this clear, religion does not necessarily have to relate to God(s). Religion is believing in something greater than yourself. Having something to believe in that is beyond you can help you fight despair.

Step 6: Stay Active

Keep yourself moving and entertained. This may be difficult due to the symptoms, but find something to keep your mind entertained. An empty mind leads to despair.

Step 7: It Is What It Is

It is what it is. Accept that and learn to live with it. If you can't accept this, then despair is sure to follow. If you fail with any step from 2-6, go to step one.

Despair can take over your life. Fight Back!

Inflammatory Arthritis--What is it?

If you have ever known anybody with inflammatory arthritis, or if you're going through it yourself, you may have wondered what it is. Inflammatory arthritis is a form of rheumatoid arthritis, and for those who don't know, rheumatoid arthritis is caused by the immune system mistaking joint and connective tissue for a pathogen. However, inflammatory arthritis is a little more complicated than that.

As I said, inflammatory arthritis is a form of rheumatoid arthritis, however for several cases the cause is unknown. This is known as systemic inflammatory arthritis, which is what I was eventually diagnosed with. There are four possibilities that could cause inflammatory arthritis: Genetics, Bacterial Infection, Viral Infection, or the Environment. Out of these possibilities, it would be foolish to say that only one can cause the disease. That being said, anybody can get it at any time, regardless of their current health. Whatever the cause may be, the immune system targets joint and connective tissue cause mild to extreme joint discomfort and swelling. However, out of these four, I would choose Environmental/Bacterial for the cause of my discomfort.

Two months before my life changed, I took a trip to Tennessee to go caving in the Appalachian Caverns (wonderful place). I was fortunate enough to take the extreme caving option, so I was covered in cave mud and water (for any of you die hard caver's out there, I know that the "extreme" option there isn't your level of extreme). At times, the water was up to my chin and by the end of the day, I was absolutely covered in mud. A success in my book. Considering that the bacteria down there was mostly iron oxidizing bacteria, if the cause was bacterial, it would make sense for there two be a two month lag phase before any symptoms started to show.

So, now that I've briefly covered what systemic inflammatory arthritis is, I want to to a brief rundown of how it presents itself. Symptoms will vary from person to person in terms of variety of symptoms and severity. It can affect multiple joints

• Joints are warm to the touch
• Can feel the through clothing, sometimes inches away
• Mobility is limited
• Unable to bend joints fully
• IF YOU'RE JOINTS ARE CATCHING, CONSULT A DOCTOR
• You may have torn something
• Unable to chew (if in jaw)
• Fluid in joints
• This can present itself in different ways depending on the joint
• Weakness
• Unable to bear as much weight or use as much force as before
• Pain in the muscles near the affected area
• Pain
• Levels vary from mild to suicidal
• If the pain level is suicidal (enough pain to consider suicide as the only escape) consult your doctor for pain killers
• BE CAREFUL, they are addictive but very helpful for the pain
• Usually a dull, aching pain at rest
• Sharp, immediate pain when in use
• Can cause a multiple kinds of pain at different severities if in the spine
• Stiffness
• Depending on the severity, there may be joint stiffness
• Particularly in the morning or after extended periods of rest
• Takes time to get rid of the stiffness
• Fatigue
• Difficulty Concentrating
• Muscle Atrophy

The list goes on, but these are the mot common ones.

Now that I've touched on the symptoms, I want to explain the effects it can have on one's life.

Devastation

Inflammatory arthritis can be a destroyer of worlds. For those who have been blind sighted by this disease, their holistic health disintegrates. Mentally, Emotionally, perhaps not spiritually, physically, and socially their health disintegrates. Thoughts are turned inward and suicide is a daily consideration.

The victim is thrown into a world of despair, pain, fear, doubt, disbelief, and confusion. Their reality has been shattered and their new world is a world filled with uncertainty. As inflammatory arthritis is a chronic disease, this can worsen over time. It's like having the ability to even dream about the future taken away from you.

Over time, it can destroy a person.

Fortunately, this doesn't have to be the case. Even though there is no cure, it can be beaten. I will go into further detail in future posts. Your future is in your hands.

~~The Arthritis King~~