Unfortunately, despair is a very common symptom for those with inflammatory arthritis. As the disease continues to progress, hope begins to fade away. As time goes by, people with this disease can lose all hope, not just of conquering the disease, but returning to their normal lives. This is exceptionally unfortunate for those who are highly physically active because they will fight the disease, and when they continue to worsen, despite their best efforts, the despair hits hard.
Let me say this now, whether you are fighting or if you have already given up--This is your life. Even though the road to recovery is impossibly long, if you continue to fight, you can take your life back. The first thing to do, is to recognize the despair and eliminate it.
The first sign of despair is the gut wrenching, punch you in the face realization that you can't do things that you once could. Here is a good example.
Before I had SIA (Systemic Inflammatory Arthritis), I used to run up the stairs, 3-5 stairs at a time. When I started to feel the pain, I was unable to run up the stairs, but I could still walk up the stairs. This was fine. However, the punch you in the face moment that I had was when I had to start walking up and down staircases sideways, one step at a time. The first time that I did this I didn't even realize it until I was halfway up the staircase. That was when I began to realize and accept that my life really had changed. This was my first step into despair, but not my last.
After this gut wrenching, punch you in the face, your lover cheated on you and all your left shoes went missing feeling, it's easy to continue falling into despair. The second step of despair, is when you start missing out on activities because you are physically incapable to participate. Using my previous example, this is going from having to go sideways down the staircase to, 'I hope there isn't a fire or else I'm in real trouble.'
The steps into despair all vary due to varying symptoms and severity, but they all eventually lead to complete hopelessness. When this happens, life isn't just a daily struggle, but living is a pain. Like oxygen for our lungs, hope is the air to our souls. Without hope, our will to live dies. Suicide can become a daily consideration when this happens. This happened to me.
When I fell into complete despair, I considered suicide at least once per day and even attempted suicide a few times. Without the use of hydrocodone, I experienced suicidal pain, but even with the hydrocodone the pain was quite severe. Beyond the physical pain, the pain of despair was crippling. I constantly wondered if I could walk again or even lie down without pain. I thought in the long term and wondered, 'If this continues, will I ever find my soulmate? Will I be able to follow my dreams? Will I ever be able to live my life again?' Etc... When I was at my worst, I would attempt suicide.
The method was simple. Take 3 7.5-500 mg hydrocodone, and right before I fall asleep, take five more. That way, when I stop breathing, I'm already asleep and I feel no pain. Fortunately, this didn't work. It would have if I took more, but I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to escape from the pain. It may be selfish, but when you can't even escape the pain while sleeping, death is a viable option. Suicide is also the wrong option.
Suicide is a permanent solution--to a temporary problem. If you are considering suicide, seek help immediately. Life does go on, and in time, things will get better.
So, if you're reading this because somebody you know has the disease, beware, for they may have fallen into despair. They need you.
So, How Does One Deal With Despair?
Step 1: Family and Friends
Your family and friends can have a profound impact on you and how you experience this disease. Find which friends you can rely on for support and who will be there for you--this is crucial.
Step 2: Simplify Your Life
If you can, eliminate any and all extra things that cause you stress. If you are in school, take a semester off so you can adapt to the disease. If you are in work, ask for time off. You may have benefits for this kind of thing. I know that taking time off can be hard, but the effects of not taking time off can really damage your life. Another personal example: When I was hit with SIA, I was halfway through my semester. I tried to endure it and finish the semester, but I was unable to adapt. I failed most of my classes (still working on a medical withdrawal).
Simplify your life--you don't need anymore stress.
Step 3: Find Your Goals
It's very easy to fall into despair if your goals are shortsighted and small. Meditate on this and find a goal that will motivate you for years. Find something to keep you going!
Step 4: Fight for Your Life
This disease can destroy your life. Do not allow this to happen. Talk to your doctor about options, continue the blood tests, go to multiple doctors for more ideas, go to physical therapy, DO NOT STOP MOVING! Do everything you can to fight this disease. It takes a lot of time and effort, so it's better to start now. Also, DO NOT STOP MOVING as sitting still causes damage.
Step 5: Religion
Let me make this clear, religion does not necessarily have to relate to God(s). Religion is believing in something greater than yourself. Having something to believe in that is beyond you can help you fight despair.
Step 6: Stay Active
Keep yourself moving and entertained. This may be difficult due to the symptoms, but find something to keep your mind entertained. An empty mind leads to despair.
Step 7: It Is What It Is
It is what it is. Accept that and learn to live with it. If you can't accept this, then despair is sure to follow. If you fail with any step from 2-6, go to step one.
Despair can take over your life. Fight Back!
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